Should parents follow their kids on social media?

Of all the topics parents have raised over the years in my practice, social media and kids is certainly in the top 10 – and for good reason. 95% of teens ages 13-17 are on at least one social media platform, with over 1 in 3 reporting they use these platforms “almost constantly”. 

Parents have increasingly observed worse mood, behavior, anxiety, and more with their kids as social media use has become more common. Then we have the scientific researchers who have been raising alarm bells about kids and social media use for the past decade, with recent studies showing serious concerns about the negative impact of social media use on child and teen mental health and functioning. 

Should children be on social media?

Now today, as I am writing this, the Surgeon General of the United States is demanding that a warning notice be placed on social media apps about the danger these platforms pose to child mental health. Similar to what the US government has done previously with alcohol and cigarettes, he believes the evidence has reached a tipping point where parents need to be visually warned about the dangers that the use of these platforms pose to their kids. 

All of this begs the question of whether our children and teens (and perhaps any of us) should be on social media in the first place. However, given that many kids are currently on these platforms, and that older teens can benefit from “practice” with managing social media use with parental guidance prior to leaving their parents’ home, it seems very relevant to provide guidance to parents on how best to manage social media with kids. Here I will specifically address the issue of whether parents should follow their kids on social media apps. 

The question involves many layers, including considerations of well-being, privacy, trust, and safety. In this article, we’ll explore why parents need to be aware of their kids’ social media activities, what to do if your child is secretive about their social media use, the pros and cons of following them, the best practices for monitoring, and how parents can set a positive example with their own social media usage.

Why parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing on social media

While many parents may think of social media as a way for their kids to stay connected to friends and up on the most recent trends, there is a serious dark side to be aware of. Social media exposes kids to potential risks such as cyberbullying, inappropriate (even dangerous) content, and online predators. 

Beyond these safety concerns, there are major mental health and overall wellness issues to consider. Research shows the significant negative impact social media use has (especially for longer periods of time daily) on kids’ focus, sleep, social relationships, self-esteem, body image and eating behaviors, anxiety, mood, overall behavior, and more. You can select virtually any area of child mental health and find a study showing at some degree of negative impact related to social media use. 

Given this, it makes sense for parents to take responsibility not only for making an informed choice about allowing their children access to these platforms, but for supporting healthier social media use and habit development.

I think my child is on social media, but they don’t want me to know about it

Whether a child is on social media or not is a decision for parents to make, despite what kids want to believe. You need to take into account all the things you know about your child, and make a decision about when and how they are able to access these platforms on their devices. 

However, children’s natural curiosity (and the normal drive to sometimes test or break the rules) means parents need to have extra layers of protection in place to ensure kids can’t access apps and content you’ve determined are inappropriate. This should involve utilizing parental control options on the devices themselves, as well as installing and consistently monitoring an external parental control tool like Qustodio. These tools are your partner in helping ensure your children aren’t able to access things until you’ve determined they’re ready. 

If a child has installed and is using social media on their device without your permission, know that it’s common for teens especially to seek privacy and autonomy. This extends to their online lives. It’s important for you to approach the situation with sensitivity. Start by having an open and honest conversation about your concerns and the reasons behind them:

• Emphasize that your primary interest is their safety and well-being, and talk about the real risks of mental health issues and safety concerns. 
• Sit down together and look at what they have installed and how they’re using it. 
• Refrain from angry responses or punishments, as this will only lead to more secrecy on their part. 
• Be aware that kids can have multiple profiles on these apps, so it’s important to understand the ways they may be using even the apps you have approved for them.

Pros and cons of following your child on social media

One way many parents consider monitoring their kids’ social media use is through following them on the various platforms. My perspective as both a professional psychologist and a mom of 4 kids is that this makes good sense. After all, we should be teaching kids that nothing they do online is really private, and they shouldn’t be doing or posting anything that they wouldn’t be OK with adults seeing. 

If you feel your teen is ready for social media access, then one of the initial rules should be that a parent will follow their account. This is important for younger teens, and is a strategy that can be reduced over time as kids get older and demonstrate safe behavior and healthy habits. There are some specific pros and cons to weigh when making this decision.

Pros:

1. Safety monitoring – Following your child on social media allows you to monitor their interactions and ensure they are not engaging with harmful content or people.
2. Strengthening relationships – It can provide opportunities to connect over shared interests and stay involved in their lives.
3. Role modeling – You can demonstrate appropriate online behavior and help them understand the importance of digital etiquette.
4. Teaching opportunities – When you see concerning behavior from your child you can use it as an opportunity to calmly discuss and provide important feedback and guidance. These real-life situations provide highly valuable learning opportunities when we’re aware of them.

Cons:

1. Privacy concerns – Teenagers value their privacy, and having parents follow them can feel intrusive, potentially leading to secretive behavior. It’s helpful to have clear ongoing conversations about what you’re monitoring and how often.
2. Trust issues – Over-monitoring can lead to a breakdown in trust between parents and teens. It’s important for teens to feel like their parents trust them to make good decisions, especially as they get closer to young adulthood.
3. Embarrassment – Teens might feel embarrassed by their parents’ presence on social media, which can impact the relationship. Parents should talk with kids before actually engaging with the content they post. It’s possible (and preferable) to monitor quietly without constantly commenting and engaging with your child’s content.

Parent dos and don’ts if you follow kids on social media

If you’ve decided that following your child’s social media accounts is an appropriate strategy, there are some key things you should and should not do in order to make the experience beneficial for all involved.

Do:

• Respect their space – Avoid commenting on every post or being active on their profile at all. Allow them some privacy and discuss the level of engagement they would like you to have before you start liking or commenting.
• Have open conversations – Discuss their online experiences regularly and without judgment to encourage open communication. 
• Set boundaries – Agree on clear rules regarding social media use and stick to them consistently. This includes them not altering parental control settings on their devices or apps.

Don’t:

• Avoid being overbearing – Constant monitoring and commenting can make your child feel suffocated. Don’t harp on about every little thing you see, and give them appropriate leeway to be kids.
• Don’t publicly embarrass them – Avoid posting or commenting in ways that could embarrass your child in front of their peers. When in doubt, don’t post anything at all on their accounts!
• Don’t ignore red flags – If you notice concerning behavior or content, address it calmly and privately. This is an important opportunity to help them learn and to intervene with potential problems before they get out of control.

The reality is that any teen getting on social media for the first time (which should be no younger than 13 per the rules of the apps themselves) benefits from parental monitoring and support, including following their accounts. The level of monitoring can and should shift as they get older and demonstrate reliable, responsible and safe behavior over time, as well as showing habits that indicate they’re not experiencing worsening mental health as a result of their app usage. 

For younger teens closer supervision is necessary, while older teens may benefit from more autonomy. Teens who feel like their parents are supportive and communicative are less likely to engage in risky behavior in general, and this includes online. Striking a balance between supervision and trust is key. Use parental controls and monitoring tools, including account following, to stay informed without being invasive, and use strategies to help teens navigate social media in a healthy way.

Setting an example with our own social media usage

The saying about kids learning more from what we do than what we say is definitely true! This includes what they observe with our own online and social media behavior. Modeling healthy social media habits ourselves is key in fostering responsible and healthy use in our kids. 

Demonstrate responsible use of these platforms by avoiding oversharing, maintaining privacy, and being respectful online – both in your own posts and in your comments on other content. Monitor how often you’re on these apps, and how it may be impacting your wellness. Talk with your kids about your observations of your own habits, and how you’re shifting them as needed.  Show your children how to critically evaluate content and practice empathy and kindness in digital interactions. By setting a good example, you teach them to navigate social media responsibly, and can minimize the negative impacts on their physical and mental health.

Deciding whether to follow your child on social media involves balancing their need for privacy with your responsibility to ensure their safety. By fostering open communication, setting clear guidelines, and modeling responsible online behavior, you can help your children navigate the digital world more safely and confidently.