How to talk to your child about online predators

One of the toughest things for parents to do is discuss uncomfortable and scary topics with our children. As a psychologist, I’ve spent the last 25 years helping thousands of parents broach uncomfortable topics ranging from death to sex to racism to guns, and everything in between. Raising my own four children has given me plenty of personal experience in this realm as well.

In an era dominated by technology, where virtual connections are a daily norm, one of the ongoing potentially uncomfortable conversations we need to have with kids is around online safety. That includes teaching children about online predators and how to handle situations where they are receiving inappropriate and unwanted attention. 

What is predatory behavior online?

Online predators are individuals who use the internet to exploit and manipulate vulnerable children and adolescents. These predators employ various tactics to build trust and connection with kids, which can lead to dangerous situations. Initially these connections can seem safe and normal to kids, but they quickly progress into a realm where children can be victimized via photos, threats, physical contact, or even abduction.  

How common are online predators?

While many parents don’t think about predators or the threat they pose to their kids, the statistics show it’s something that warrants our attention. On any given day there are about a half million predators actively engaged in grooming and soliciting children of all ages online. 

A recent World Health Organization report on the topic states that globally, 11.5% of children survey participants report that they’ve received unwanted online sexual solicitation. In the US, surveys show that at least 5% of children have experienced online grooming before the age of 18. This doesn’t account for all of the children who have interacted with strangers online who made them feel uncomfortable. This underscores the urgent need to address online safety with our children.

What should children be aware of when communicating online?

As parents, it is our responsibility to equip our children with the knowledge to recognize and respond to potential online predators. As with all sensitive topics, these are ongoing conversations that start in the preschool years and progress more deeply as kids grow. Open conversations about online interactions should be part of family safety discussions, and should be explored in developmentally appropriate ways. The goal isn’t to terrify children, but to empower them with knowledge and skills to keep themselves safe online.

Here are some key concepts to teach children and teens around online interactions and relationships:

1. Building trust takes time

Teach your children that genuine relationships take time to develop. If someone they’ve just met online becomes overly familiar or attempts to form an intense bond quickly, it could be a red flag.

2. Respecting boundaries 

Reinforce the importance of personal boundaries. Emphasize that no one should pressure them into sharing personal information or photos, and they should never feel obligated to keep secrets from you.

3. Questioning intentions

Encourage your children to be critical thinkers when interacting with strangers online. If someone consistently avoids answering questions about themselves or provides conflicting information, it could indicate ulterior motives.

4. Socializing with same-age peers

Discuss the importance of age-appropriate relationships. If an older individual seeks to befriend your child under any circumstance, it’s essential for your child to be concerned.

5. Keeping secrets

Children need to know that they can tell parents and/or other trusted adults anything about what’s going on in their lives. If someone is telling them to keep secrets or not disclose information, kids need to know that is a red flag that they must immediately discuss with a trusted adult.

How to spot a predator online

While predators may seem kind and harmless at first, there are key traits and behaviors that indicate dangerous intentions. There are many common red flag behaviors that can indicate predatory online behavior. Discuss the following types of warning signs with your children:

Excessive compliments

Predators often use flattery to gain trust and manipulate children emotionally. They may make remarks about photos they’ve seen your child or others post, and this can feel good to kids as opposed to concerning. If your kids are regularly posting selfies online, you want to teach them to do this thoughtfully.

Requests for personal information or photos

If someone they’ve met online consistently asks for personal information, such as full name, address, or school, it’s a definite cause for concern. Any request for photos, especially in specific clothing or unclothed is an obvious red flag, but one I’ve known kids (especially preteens and teens) to ignore in the interest of maintaining the connection. Children need to be clearly told that this is dangerous.

Isolation attempts

Predators aim to isolate children from their friends and family. They may want to take up more and more of your child’s time, or tell them to spend less time with others on and offline. Talk to your child about the importance of maintaining offline relationships and sharing online experiences openly.

Promises, threats, and inconsistent stories

Teach your child to be wary of individuals whose stories don’t align or seem inconsistent. They need to know that any threats are a clear red flag, as are promises of gifts or other things the child might gain.

How to report online predators

In addition to recognizing red flags, it’s crucial for children to know how to respond when they encounter potentially harmful situations. Here are some specific actions to teach children they can take anytime they are feeling wary or unsafe:

• Block and ignore: Teach your child how to block and ignore any online contact that makes them uncomfortable. This immediate action helps prevent further engagement. They need to know that it is acceptable in this situation to not respond to an adult, and that they won’t get in trouble for doing so.
• Talk to you: Create an environment of trust and open communication where your child feels safe discussing any online encounters that trouble them.
• Use reporting tools: Many online platforms offer reporting mechanisms for inappropriate or predatory behavior. Familiarize your child with these tools so they can take action if needed. Your local police department should be contacted if threats are ongoing, personal information/photos have been shared, or there is any reason to suspect that your child may be in ongoing danger on-or-offline.

What can parents do to keep kids safe?

As parents, it’s our responsibility to ensure our children’s safety in both the physical and digital worlds. It can feel overwhelming at times to have to think about and manage these kinds of issues, but our children are depending on us. Here are four things you can do to help keep your child safe online:

1. Maintain open communication

Establish a consistent dialogue about online safety. Make sure your child knows they can come to you with any concerns or questions. When concerns or mistakes arise, respond with empathy and problem solving – not anger and punishment. This makes it much more likely that your child will come to you when they are in a confusing or scary situation. 

2. Use parental controls and privacy settings

It is critical for parents to utilize parental controls on children’s devices, and monitor them regularly. I use and recommend Qustodio as a great option that grows with kids and families from toddlerhood through the teen years. 

Managing time is one thing, but from the standpoint of safety and internet predators you want to be sure you’re managing apps your children can access. Weigh up and consider potential app dangers and problems before allowing kids to download and use them. You will also want to familiarize yourself with the privacy settings on the platforms your child uses. Adjust these settings to limit exposure to potentially harmful interactions.

3. Provide ongoing supervision

Monitor your child’s online activities without infringing on their privacy. A great way to do this is to have unannounced sit-downs with your child where you look at their phone, open apps, and scroll together. This provides accountability for your child, but also protects them. 

Knowing that you are aware and involved can deter predators, and this allows you to better monitor who your children are communicating with via apps and other modes.

4. Education for you and your child

Continuously educate your child about online safety. Stay informed about the latest trends in apps and online safety concerns, and share this information with your child to empower them. Capitalize on news stories or media portrayals of online safety issues to initiate discussions with your child. These real-life examples can serve as powerful teaching tools.

Discussing uncomfortable and potentially frightening topics, including online predators, with children is an essential component of establishing their digital literacy and overall safety. By fostering open communication, teaching them to recognize warning signs, and providing guidance on reporting, you empower your child to navigate the online world responsibly and confidently.

Remember that safety in the digital age requires a proactive and informed approach, and your involvement is crucial in protecting your child from potential online threats.